Guilty

It is 4:30 a.m., for some reason I can't sleep. I woke up thinking about life mixed in with a little heartburn. Everything in my life right now seems screwed up but really it isn't. I don't mean for every post that I put on here to be from Debbie Downer or Betty Bummer. Really I don't. I am just an introspective person who is really hard on herself and those around her. I also think things could be better. The problem is I often think about these things and devise a plan but then have no follow thru. It doesn't matter if it is weight lose, exercise, household chores, discipline with my boys, Bible study I have a grand plan but no action. Then I feel guilty because I know what I should be doing I am just choosing not to do it. Have you ever heard the phrase "Fake it until you make it"? I have tried that and what I end up feeling like is a shell of my true self(whoever that is). I wear my emotions on my sleeve so it is hard for me just to pretend to feel or be someone or something else(acting is not my strong suit never has been). I like to watch the Biggest Loser. On the show, half the time with the contestants the battle isn't with food or exercise it is with their own emotional baggage. Bob, the tough but gentle, guy and Jillian, the hard a**, woman take those contestants thru the wringer with their emotions in the gym. I think I need Jillian to come to my house for some tough love. She wouldn't take any b.s. and she would probably make me cry, which would be a small feat since I rarely cry. Like I wrote before I am often my own worst enemy. I come up with excuses or give up or talk myself out of things or I let circumstance control me. I think that is a big one right there. I let my circumstances dictate my life instead of dictating the circumstances myself. But if I am really honest the thing is I am not even control of things. God is. What it all comes down to is trust. Am I really trusting Him? I once read a book and it described how your life should be like the seven sacred pools in Hawaii. God should be the upper most pool in your life which in turn feeds the next pool which feeds the next, etc. Basically the author was saying "Put God first and all other aspects of your life will fall into place." To be honest (remember I wear my emotions on my sleeve for all to see), I am not doing that. A matter of fact, this is what I have felt like for several months now. No wonder I just feel like I am just going through the motions. Often times I feel like Bill Murray's character in Groundhog Day. Same thing each day. I want to be different. I want to be an over flowing waterfall. I just don't know where to get the rain to fill my pool. Yes, I know the answers: read your Bible, pray, go to church. But you don't think I haven't been doing some of those things! Here is the other thing: let's face it nobody wants to hear about this, people want hear about how great things are not about how hard they are. In the Bible, in James 1, it says "Count it all joy" not just the good times but the hard times too. I know people who can do that. I want to do that. Not be a victim of circumstance. To have a life that is overflowing no matter what. The picture at the beginning of this post will be my life. I am just wondering how to get started...........maybe Jillian will tell me when she comes over!

-Me (geez I just sat here for 10 minutes trying to think how to sign off. Not "the girl" I am 36 years old for crying out loud, not yet "the woman", great now I have that Brittany Spears song stuck in my head).